#1: An Over-Hyped Book
Situation: You are in a bookstore when the zombies attack. Over the loudspeakers you hear the military announce that over-hyped books are the zombies' only weakness. What over-hyped book will you chuck at the zombies?
I'm not sure if this book is over-hyped, exactly (the phrase makes me think more of a million-dollar book franchise that's become a household name and spawned a series of badly acted but high budget movies) but it's definitely well-known in the classic novel arena. It's well loved by many, which I find difficult to understand, and held up by some as the perfect stormy romance with the epitome of the tortured hero, which I find even harder to grasp. (In the novel's defense, I don't think that's the meaning of the book at all). I tried to appreciate it and the story it had to tell because sometimes books use unlikable characters and bad situations in a way that works, but I hated nearly every moment of this reading experience. Steam was perpetually coming out of my ears and fists were occasionally clenched. If there was a way to reach through the pages and commit literary murder, I would have strangled Heathcliff before we'd gotten 1/4 of the way through.The only thing that made this book bearable was that it was told from a story-within-a-story format, so I imagined that I was being told a horror story on a cold and dreary night, with wind howling in the distance.
*SPOILER* And also I cheered when Heathcliff died *END OF SPOILER*
#2: A Sequel
Situation: You are caught in a torrential downpour and you're probably the type who melts when you get wet. What sequel are you willing to use as an umbrella to protect yourself?
Little Women and Me
Yes, I understand there are people who think Laurie and Jo should have ended up together. I do not count among the number. I could write an essay on why the two of them are completely wrong for each other, why Jo made the right decision, and why Professor Bhaer is actually awesome, but I'll save it for another time. I assumed from the beginning that Emily would come to realize that Lousia May Alcott knew what she was doing when she ended the book the way she did. BUT NO. After her experience wrecking havoc throughout 1860s Concord, Emily comes back to our world and writes her paper and explains why she thinks the two of them should end up together and gets a bad grade because, SURPRISE Jo and Laurie *do* end up together because she "fixed" the book while she was in it or something. ??? I'm sorry, the book wasn't broken in the first place. UGH I GET ENRAGED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
#3: A Classic
Situation: You're in English class and your professor won't stop going on about a classic that "revolutionized literature". Personally you think the classic is garbage and you decide to express your opinion by hurling the book at his head. What classic is that?
The Call of the Wild
I slugged through this one either in late middle school or early high school, and I don't remember much of it because I may have been half asleep from boredom. I've heard a lot of Christians don't like Jack London because of his worldview. Is this true? I don't know. I was more turned off due to the fact it was about a dog.
#4: A Least Favorite Book
Situation: You're hanging out at a bookstore (where else would you be?) when global warming somehow manages to to turn the whole world into a frozen wasteland. Naturally, your only hope of survival is to burn a book. Which book would you not regret tossing into the fire?
I am especially bitter about this one because the first couple of chapters are actually well-written and they tricked me into thinking the book was going to be good.
Supposedly Pride and Prejudice told from the servants point of view, this had the potential of being a really great book. Unfortunately, the original novel's characters were shown in a constantly negative light, it's littered with crude references and a postmodern view of history, and WHY DO YOU HATE ON MY FAV CHARACTERS, JO BAKER? WHY? I was so disgusted with this one that I didn't even finish it.
#5: A Series
Situation: There's a flooded stream you have to cross on your quest and you can't get your feet wet. Which series (oh yeah, btw, you brought your whole bookshelf and also probably the local library with you) will you use as stepping stones?
The Austen Project (mainly Sense and Sensibility)
I didn't know how to answer this question, because generally if a book is bad, why would I read the rest of the series? There are definitely duds in the many series that I've read, but not enough to chuck out the whole lot of them. And I've read plenty of mediocre series that were insipid but not maddening enough to really fit on here.
And then I remembered.
The Austen Project is a series of Austen re-writes by different authors, setting Jane Austen's novels in the present day. A little iffy in concept, I admit, but I was willing to give it a chance. So I read Sense and Sensibility. Nope-ety nope nope nope. From its strange adherence to plot points that didn't work in the modern day and disregard of the moral core of the original, to its unlikable characters and in-your-face inclusion of technology, it was a disaster. I haven' read the other subsequent books in the series, but just from their blurbs and the reviews I've read, I don't think they are any better. The Pride and Prejudice rewrite, Eligible, looks particularly appalling. In our world, apparently modern = steeped in sin. If you believe in ghosts, don't. Because if they truly existed, then Jane Austen would have risen from her grave by now and hit all of these authors with her reticule. Or maybe stabbed them with her pen.